Introduction

I am no author and have never written anything so personal like this before in my life. As a child I did get the odd diary for Christmas and each year I had every intention of writing a journal so in later years I could look back and tell myself that I had done good, made the right choices in life, cringe at the wrong choices or just basically laugh at whatever my childhood held. I had pretty diaries that had keys to lock away whatever secrets or garbage I decided to write, whether it be about boys (in later later years) or moan about how much I was being picked on, by friends, my two brothers or being told off by my parents. I had every intention of writing in them every day, but usually failed after the first couple of weeks or so into every year, bored of writing the same old crappy stuff; got up at 8, caught the bus to school, did school work, came home, did homework, went out to play, got told off, Got grounded or went out again and went to bed. The main factor why I didn’t stick to it, was that I was always far too busy doing other things that were far more interesting than to be bothered with it. And so each year that big pretty book with the lock and key would be pushed aside and forgotten.

At the age of thirty-nine my life took a huge turn. I heard the words ‘You have Breast Cancer’ and so I decided to write about my life since being diagnosed …Why? So that the people around me and other people will have more of an understanding of what it is like to live with cancer from the inside.

This story is no fairytale, it’s not a mills and boon romance, it’s a story of how I stared into the face of fear and said, “I don’t want this and I’m going to get rid of it. No question about it. It’s about having to stay positive, and having being the bigger word, it’s about working hard to keep the upper hand, so not to let the beast take over and swallow you in self pity.. The thing is with breast cancer, there is no manual, there is no “Hey you have breast cancer, here’s the A to Z, a step by step illustrated guide that will take you through and beyond breast cancer. There is no, “Arr so your having a problem with shouting at everyone, look under S for Shouting.” There is no S for shouting and there is no description to tell you why you’re shouting or how to get through it or fix it. Having breast cancer is like being forced and strapped onto the worlds, longest, largest, scariest, rickety old roller coaster that you could imagine, knowing instinctively it would fall to pieces with one sneeze too much and not being able to get off . I have been positive and determined from the start, but like any part of life, there has to be some balance, you cannot smile constantly without having a few sad moments too.

I thought I was strong and could get through my diagnosis without any problems. I didn’t expect to change as a person, no I don’t just mean because I lost my hair or because I had both my boobs removed, I changed in other ways, the way I think and the way I feel. I don’t want to fill your heads with unlimited amounts of promises about how life is so much better after having a breast cancer diagnosis and that you will appreciate and see the beauty in the little things that we normally take for granted. I am not going to tell you that the journey is easy, that you won’t get sick or hospitalized during treatments. I can’t. …What I can say is that it’s doable and not all doom and gloom. I have gone down the road, of positivity and of oooh im so lucky and I have also gone down the road of self pitying negativity and oooh why the blasted me. Being down is part of the process, but as I have always said from the very start; A Positive Mind is Half the Treatment.

My rock through this has been Lee my lovely hubby. He has been there for me in every possible way. The support that he has given me and is still giving me has kept me being positive and smiling, or when I have just wanted to curl up and shut everything and everyone including Lee (the hubby) out.. He has always been there to snap me out of these moods and make me laugh again. Oh! And we did laugh, we laughed about absolutely everything. In a way it’s as though we were trying to laugh the cancer away. …

When reading my story I must point out that you need to understand Lee’s sense of humour, he has a very wicked sense of humour, and I say the word ‘wicked’ literally. His humour has been the sole power to my healing and keeping me positive. He has cracked numerous jokes and when we look back these must have sounded so cruel to other people over hearing or looking in from the outside whom did not know us as a couple.

There are a lot of different stages and treatments for breast cancer and everybody is different, People have different treatments for the type of cancer they have and for different periods of time. It is for this reason that Lee decided at a very early stage to split them into phases. (You can tell he works in the building trade can’t you) Anyway he did this so that rather than thinking that I have 5 years of nonstop treatment to go, I could look forward to the end of each smaller phase, making it easier for me as I am rather an impatient person. I’m the person that when I want something done I want it done now, when I ring the doctors and ask for an appointment, what I am actually saying is ; I want to see the doctor now, not tomorrow or in a week’s time, and no I don’t want to ring back tomorrow. So by splitting everything up, I would have the feeling of things actually getting done and finished much quicker, thus: making it more tolerable.

Writing in my journal started almost immediately, well I wouldn’t say it was a journal back then; it was a small business Diary that I used to jot down holidays, and birthdays. Oooh I was sooo extravagant wasn’t I? Anyway this extravagance built up, by adding doctors and hospital appointments, this test going to be done, that test will be done, words the doctors said that I didn’t understand were written down, words that I was 100% intent on looking up later to find out what the hell they meant, but only occasionally did, just in case I found something I didn’t like the sound of. .with only so much space for each Diary Day entry, I moved onto pieces of A4 paper that I would scribble on immensely then fold up and place at the rear of the book, It was a sort of therapy to me, it still is and it is my hope that by opening up and sharing my story, other people who encounter difficulties can read this and gain strength from knowing that they are not alone. I know I am not alone; more than 1.2 million people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year worldwide.

Nothing has been left out, my journey will take you through my diagnosis, chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy, problems at work, the effects it’s had on Lee and I, financially and as a couple, even down to the change in my libido. This is my true feelings, my inner thoughts, and my emotions. All the things in my mind that me and you as people usually keep secret. There have been tears, there has been anger, but most of all there has been lots of laughter. This in my mind was all part of my treatment and has brought me to the place I am today.

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Before I can start my story of how I coped with having breast cancer, and the treatments that I have undergone. I think it necessary to give you a little insight to who I am and my history regarding breast lumps. You see the only regret that I have in my life is that I did not follow the path that I had started and that I should have been a stronger person.

I was born in a small village in Doncaster, South Yorkshire on July 21st 1967 to Lorraine and John. I have two brothers; Howard who is two years my senior and Neil who is two years my junior. After an abusive marriage my parents divorced, I was by then the age of 13 and it was at this point that my eldest brother took it upon himself to be a father figure to both my younger brother and I.

I had a good childhood doing the normal things any child should do. Taking after my mother I grew up as a Tom Boy and did the boy things with my brothers, climbing trees, motorbike scrambling over the fields and spending many precious moments on the moors which we could see from our back garden. I was so lucky having the fields and moors so close to our house. The fun we had making tree houses, rabbit hunting and for a child growing up with such surroundings, there was never a dull moment with the endless places to go hide while playing hide n seek.

At the age of 16 while on a family holiday at Butlins (ok, yes I holidayed at Butlins, but who hasn't) my mum changed all the tom boy stuff, when she entered me into a beauty competition; Miss Holiday Princess, which I have to say I wasn’t happy about at the time. Me in a dress, oh come on, I didn’t do skirts and dresses, I was a tom boy for Gods Sake. The whole competition I found to be totally embarrassing as I stood on stage with hundreds of people staring at me with a face full of make-up, My hair was all tongued up and backcombed to hold the curls in place finished off with a gallon of lacquer and I had on a stupid dress that was my mums, all topped off with a pair of high heels. The compare questioned me and unlike the other contestants who were happily gabbling on about nonsense, I didn't want to say anything more than I needed to, I wanted to get it over quickly so I could get the hell out of there. "would you like to describe to us what you are wearing tonight Karen" he asked as he looked at the dress I was wearing Are you stupid, I thought as I looked at him gone out, and instead of the correct way, of which by then I had already picked up from the other contestant, such as "I'm wearing a black and white cocktail dress accessorised with snake skin shoes and clutch bag, finished off with complimentary jewellery" I leaned into the microphone, and two words came out of my mouth "A Dress". How an earth I won was beyond me, everyone else was trying so hard, saying the correct things, standing perfectly in the model pose and smiling constantly at the judges, and yet I saw it as a joke, stood like a boy, and hardly said two words.

After winning the heat and receiving a free holiday to go back for the area semi-finals I caught the Beauty Queen bug and started modelling. Over the years I entered numerous competitions up and down the country creating memories that will be with me forever and I even got to experience the Miss United Kingdom, and for those of you out there who think it’s a cattle market and the girls are bitchy towards each other, you are so far from the truth.

I was just sixteen when I found my first lump. If it wasn't for my mum, I wouldn't have even bothered about it, as it was that small. "Always check your breasts" she would say "and get to know what feels and looks right for you". I had done as she had said even though, when it came to dishing out breasts I definitely wasn’t at the front of the queue, in fact i must have been at the very back, resulting in them running out by the time they had gotten to me. My elder brother once said I would have made a very good page 4 model as my shoulder blades protruded out more than my boobs ever did (nothing like brotherly love hey). I knew every millimetre of my breasts that grew to be a maximum of ... wait for it..... a massive of 34B. I knew every lump and bump, every freckle, even down to the very tiny beauty spot that was tucked away so far to the side of my right breast that it was impossible to find without me pointing it out.

I thought that I had imagined it when I first spotted the lump. Examining the area again and again, I knew that this tiny lump was definitely not there the last time I had checked. "Mam! I've found a small lump in my boob" I shouted to her, and obviously because we were so close she came running, had a good feel, confirmed my findings and immediately rang the doctors. "Better to be safe than sorry" she smiled as an appointment was made.

My first encounter having a lump checked was a little nerve racking, I was so young (16) and to be told to take off my top AND bra to reveal my boobs to a man was something very new to me. I looked over to my mum for reassurance; she smiled for me to go ahead. "Haa nothing to worry about" Old time Doc said and smiled as he progressed to examine my very small breasts, " it's just a deposit of gristle". He continued to tell me it was because I was too skinny and needed to put on a bit of meat, as I quickly put my bra and top back on. I had been embarrassed of showing my breasts to someone else, never mind him feeling them. I was 8 stone at the time, which to me was a good weight seeing that I was only 5 foot 4 inches tall, and in any case, how on earth could I put on weight, I ate endless amounts of crap; crisps, chocolate and cream cakes, everything that most people only had to look at and they would pile the pounds on. Everyone I knew couldn't understand how I could stay so slim, they would tell me it’s seemed that every time they saw me, I would be stuffing something into my mouth. I was lucky I guess, and it probably had a lot to do with good genes that seemed to run in my mum’s side of the family.

In 1988 I got married and after several years of difficulty conceiving I started IVF treatment. On the 3rd try and several thousand pounds later, it worked and I became pregnant. I was ecstatic and so happy, but unfortunately this happiness didn't last long as at 6 weeks I started to miscarry and after another 3 long agonising weeks of worrying, bed rest and praying that everything would be alright, my pregnancy ended. A few weeks and I was rushed back into the hospital to find out that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Two out of the three fertilised embryos’ they had implanted back inside of me had taken, and unfortunately one had attached itself into my fallopian tube. Finding out that I was initially carrying twins was hard for me and it did take quite some time for me to grieve for them. With the strain of the IVF and loosing the pregnancy in November 1999 my marriage came to an end and over the years I came to accept that I would never become pregnant and have a child of my own.

It was in 2001 that I found my next lump, again in my right breast. Now at the age of 34 finding this lump was a little worrying as by now I had heard about breast cancer. But at 34 you still assume that you are too young and immune. I did the right thing and went along to my GP to have it checked out. This time I was referred to the Hospital, for further testing. A mammogram was discussed but due to me being less than 2 weeks under the age of 35, I was told I was too young to have one. There cut off age for a mammogram was 35 and not a day younger. They did an ultra sound that showed I had a fluid filled cyst; the doctor told me that they were very common and proceeded to stick a fine needle into my breast, guiding it with the ultra-sound to drain the fluid from the cyst. The fluid that was aspirated was sent to the lab for testing and I was informed that if there were any findings they would notify my GP, who in turn would notify me. I was also told that more cysts may develop in the future and if I found another lump, i should never ignore them and not to hesitate about going back to get it checked straight away. I never heard anything from my GP and so the fluid that had been drained from my cyst had been clear and ok.

In 2003 I met my partner Lee and in 2004 we moved in together. Which I have to say was a big thing, as I moved over 60 miles away from what I had always known as my home to be with him. It was a year later that I found my next lump; this time in the left breast. I can remember feeling a little more anxious as a couple of years prior, my partners ex-wife (Lauren) or should I say current wife, as they never got round to getting divorced, was diagnosed with breast cancer, she'd had a lumpectomy and weeks and weeks of radiotherapy, and was still having hormone treatment that she had to be on for 5 yrs. It was from knowing Lauren that it had become more of a reality to me that breast cancer did occur in women of my age. I think because of knowing this, it made me feel more apprehensive than usual, but again, in the back of my mind, I felt I was fine and had nothing to worry about. After all I had no family history, but as always, I could hear my mum’s voice in the back of my mind "always get checked, its better to be safe than sorry" and so listening I made an appointment with the breast clinic to get it checked out.

This time it was very different. They couldn't aspirate it as it was a solid lump. Now call me 'naive' if you want, but at the time I thought that all solid lumps meant cancer. This goes to show you how little I knew about breast cancer, a little like most of the population. The nurse laughed at me and told me that not all solid lumps are cancerous. I had 2 core biopsies taken and was told to come back in 2 weeks for the results. Nothing more was said.... "What if it is cancer" I sobbed to Lee as soon as I returned home, I had started to worry a little and the thought of having to wait 2 wks for the results, just seemed too much for me to handle. Lee was brilliant "Try not to worry darling" he had said while holding me close in is arms, trying his best to comfort me, "if by the small chance it is, we'll deal with it. Look at Lauren, she beat it" he went on. He is the kind of person that always thinks positive and so the two weeks went by with me trying to keep focussed, making myself busy so not to think about what the results will be, and all the time listening to Lee while he passed on his positive side onto me bit by bit.

2 weeks on, Lee and I were in the consulting room listening to the doctor who explained to us that the lump was what they call a fibroadenoma. A fibrodenoma is a hard non-cancerous lump, which they prefer to leave them, avoiding unnecessary surgery, unless they grew too large or became too painful. I had surgery later that year to have it removed as it did become quite large and very very painful.

I have difficulty knowing where to start with my story as so much happened, that has brought me to the place I am today.

While reading my story, I must point out that I am no medical expert; this is my story, my perspective of things, my feelings and most importantly, my most inner deepest emotions and thoughts.

The mistake I think we all make, is that we think were immune and it won't happen to us, we always think it’s something that happens to other people, but just because there is no family history doesn't mean that you have a protective barrier against cancer. Cancer can strike out at anyone, in any place and at any time.

My hope is that my story will give a little hope and encouragement to anyone who is unfortunate enough to follow my path.

I hope it will raise awareness so that you all examine your breasts, no matter of your age, sex or nationality. Get to know what feels and looks right for you, listen to your instincts and what your body is telling you.

I also hope that my story will raise awareness to other people who don't have cancer, so hopefully the next time they come into contact with a cancer patient, they have a bit more consideration to how they treat them.