Well here at long last! Friday 8th June 2007; The day has arrived for my first
chemo. I must admit these last couples of weeks have not been easy; I
have had good days and I have had some low days, but overall the good have
outweighed the bad considerably. The positive thoughts have come to the
front of my mind more and more, which in turn has left very little room for any
doubt or negativity. I must admit that I do sometimes fear the thought of
these squatters growing and spreading inside of me so the fact still remains
that the sooner that these squatters are cut out of me the better.
7.30am and I am feeling very very nervous. Lee made me
eat a small breakfast as they say that by eating a small meal before chemo can
help against the nausea. Wel!l I’m sure I will find out if it’s true or
not cos in approximately another hour and half I will be having my very first one.
My stomach won't stop churning and I do feel a little on edge, which I suspect
is because I don't know what to expect and I hate bloody needles. I know
that the needle thing is something that I will have to get used to and feel
that it will be a small price to pay to get rid of these blooming squatters.
Soon I will know what it’s all about and what I have to endure for the next
five months. I have been told that it will take approximately an hour and
half so it shouldn't be too bad. My hair and makeup are done to
perfection and I am ready to go.
Lee was being his usual self
on the way to the hospital. “You idiot, what d’ ya think you’re doing” he
shouted, (as if the person in the car in the front could actually hear
him). I looked on and tried to ignore
the road rage moment that was now going on. “What’s she breaking for now, stupid cow, just
look at her” he carried on and before I knew it tears had formed in my
eyes. I could do without the road rage
today, especially when this road rage journey was taking me straight to the
world of the unknown ‘My Chemo’ Lee
noticed my water filled eyes, “What’s wrong darling” he asked. “I’m scared Lee
and just can’t be doing with all that shouting this morning” I snivelled. Lee couldn’t apologise enough and so the
rest of the journey went smoothly, no raised voices and no moaning about other
drivers on the road.
----------------------------------------------------
We arrived at the hospital 15 minutes before our appointment
time "are you ready?" Lee said as we approached the double doors
leading to the chemo day unit. I smiled a nervous smile and nodded. Walking in, I kept my eyes looking straight
ahead and fixed on the reception desk at the other end of the corridor all
times. I didn't want to look into any of the side rooms or any of the
bays that led off from the main corridor. I was nervous enough without
seeing anything that may put me off or make me even more nervous of what lie
ahead.
Stood at the reception desk getting booked in, The ‘Research
Nurse’ approached,”I owe you an apology" she said. I turned to see
her friendly face. "Apparently the computer had also selected you to
receive the Gemcitabine alongside with the Pacletaxol" she continued to
tell me. I just smiled "That's
Ok" I said, "The more drugs that you put in my body the more it will
kill of this cancer, right?". I didn't care. I was pleased
really. I was now having the full four chemotherapy drugs that they were
researching and in my eyes, that to me meant I had a better chance of getting
rid of the cancer. The additional side effect that I could incur with
this extra drug would be aching joints, itching and fluid retention, a small
price to pay to get me cancer free.
A nurse by the name of Anne then showed us around the ward
and took us into a small bay that occupied 6 reclining chairs. No one
else was present at this time and the ward seemed pretty quiet.
Anne was really nice; she was polite and very friendly, and was the one who was
going to put all the poisons into me. She explained what was going to
happen, and then asked me my name and date of birth, to double check that I was
indeed the person that she had written down, making sure the drugs laid out on
the trolley were for me and not some other poor sod who was going to go through
what I was about to start. All the drugs
were checked off against a sort of prescription form and I couldn’t believe how
many there seemed to be. “I thought I was having just chemo drugs” I
whispered to Lee as everything was double checked with another nurse.
Ok here goes, Anne has a needle (Cannula) in her hand and is
about to stab me with it. I have been dreading this bit, my heart started
racing and all I want to do was turn around, run as far away as I could from
this place and go home. 'What if' it hurts? "What if" I do get
sick? If it does make me feel sick, will I feel sick straight away, will
I be able to do this for 5 months? I felt like a lost child that has no
control what so ever and I didn’t like this feeling one little bit.
Lee took hold of my other hand "It's going to be
ok" he says and smiles at me. I do hope he's right. What is he
really thinking and feeling right now. His he as scared as I am, that I
will get sick or is he positive that I am going to breeze through this like
he's been telling me. I sit holding onto his hand looking at him and
smiling while the nurse administers the needle. I can't look; it will
hurt more if I look. God I'm behaving like a child scared of a little
tiny needle. Not once did I let it show
how scared and nervous I was. I just kept smiling and talking (babbling).
As the cannula went in I tried to stay relaxed, "Oucheee"
I squeezed Lee's hand tighter as I felt the needle go in. It did feel a
bit uncomfortable and painful but it didn't take long and the pain soon started
to wear off. A clear bag of saline was connected which was left to drip
into my veins for about 10 minutes then Anne started to give me some anti
sickness drugs which she injected using the saline to flush the drugs
in. This took approximately 30 minutes and one of the drugs she
told me could, if given too quickly give you a strong prickly feeling between
your legs which she kindly told me they had nick named; thistles in your
knickers. Luckily she was nice to me and administered it really really
slowly so that I didn't experience the thistles. So far so good!
Next on the agenda were some syringes of what looked like,
thick red liquid. This was the epirubicin
that had to be administered manual by injecting into my hand very slowly
through the cannula needle port as this drug is very toxic and if leaked out
the vein it can damage the tissue around it. I must say that I did not
like the sound of this one little bit and didn’t like the feeling of it as it
was pushed in, burning and burning that I thought my vein was going to explode,
the feeling of a volcano about to erupt, the fire curdling away and getting
hotter and hotter. Anne noticed my
wincing face and slowed down with the drug.
“Is that feel better?” She asked, I didn’t need to answer, the sigh of
relief said it all. All the time Anne
chatted and chatted, more or less telling us her life story. In the
middle of her life story of how long she had worked in the chemo clinic, she
passed over a large prescription form to Lee and asked him to take it down to
Pharmacy. This form had all my
anti-sicky tablets on that I would be taking home. Bloody jammy bugger, he got to get away for a
while, away from Anne’s life story. He
was gone for ages and I began to think that he'd taken the scenic route around
the whole of the hospital and then gone off to Mac Dee’s for a burger followed
by a ciggie. I didn't blame him if he had really as it wasn't very
comfortable sat in the chair I was in, never mind the chair that Lee had to sit
in, which resembles one of those old plastic school chairs.
Every now and then Anne would get a little carried away and
start to inject the drug in faster and the drug would start to burn again. It was as though the faster she talked the
faster the stuff was pushed in, and had to keep reminding her to slow it down.
I started to think about the events of last year, if 'Dr X' hadn't been so
nasty and abrupt with me, then maybe I wouldn't be sat here having to go
through all of this. This was all her fault, how could she do this to me,
how could she do this to anyone. How many more women has she sent down
this road? She's a woman for god sake, shouldn't she have been more
understanding. She should have listened to me and not got on her high
horse about her dealing with breasts all day long and that she knew better than
me. These were my breasts and I know them better than anyone. I have never in my life hated anyone so much
as I hate her right now.
Lee arrived back and Anne started to laugh immediately as soon
as she saw the paper bag containing my drugs in his hand. "We
wondered why it was taking you so long” She said “You were supposed to just
drop the prescription off and I would have sent you back down later when they
were ready". Lee looked at me with a confused face "I didn't
know! I've never done this before have I?" Lee replied back to her smiling,
but with only me knowing that this smile was one of embarrassment of not doing
what she had only just told him. I took
hold of his hand as he sat down beside me and gave it a squeeze of
re-assurance, that I would have probably done the same thing.
Eventually the last syringe of the red drug was administered;
the process took over an hour and Anne was now connecting a clear bag of liquid
that contained the cyclophosphamide drug to the cannula. Lee was now
constantly asking me how I was feeling. I was feeling pretty good a
little on edge, as though I was waiting for the sickness to raise its ugly head,
maybe this was the drug that will do that.
This drug was a lot easier and I didn't feel it at
all. Lee and I were left on our own now and passed the time by chatting
about the events of the day, so far. Every seat in the bay was occupied
now, everyone having different chemo treatments obviously the best ones for the
cancer that they have. There was a lady in her late fifties who arrived
on her own. She sat opposite us dressed in tracksuit bottoms, an
overlarge T-shirt and a pair of sneakers. Her hair was very sparse and
she looked very frail but always had a smile on her face. She asked me if
it was my first one and when I nodded she smiled at me and said, "It does
get easier". That was so much encouragement, as up to now, this
chemo thing wasn't that bad at all and if it does get easier then I'm
definitely going to breeze through it.
It seemed that every five minutes Lee was asking how I was
feeling. I wonder if; even though he keeps telling me that I can do this,
deep down he really doesn't think that I can. I'm going to prove to him
that I can, I'm going to prove to everyone that I can, and definitely going to
prove to the cancer that this is my body and it can't have it. The cyclophosphamide
had finished and Anne returned connected yet another bag to the drip. “What’s this one” I asked her “Ohh it’s just
a small bag of saline to make sure that all the chemo drugs are flushed through
the pipe” She said. This flush lasted
for about 10 minutes and then Anne took out the cannula and while doing so told
me about the anti-sickness tablets that I will be taking home and the
steroids. She told me to take the tablets as prescribed even if I didn't
feel sick as the tablets we also very good at keeping the sickness at
bay. She also told me to keep an eye on my temperature, as my blood count
will start to drop and I will be prone to any infections. They will be at their lowest between day’s 10
and 14 at which point they will start to climb back up to normal again.
Lee asked her about my hair and how long it would be before it starts to fall
out as we had been told that it could start to fall out at any time.
"Well!" Anne says smiling. "I have not known anyone to
keep their hair for more than two weeks in the 20 years that I have worked on
chemotherapy wards."
The time was one o'clock in the afternoon and I was free to
go home. I felt a bit wary of standing up and walking out of the
hospital, as I didn't know if this would start to make me feel sick. I
felt fine; a bit light headed, and flushed but apart from that I didn't feel
any different. The nurse told me that my next one would be in 3 weeks and
should be easier as I now know what to expect and it would hopefully be done in
the hour and half as it should have taken.
I had numerous missed calls on my mobile and all of them
from my mum. I rang her straight away. She had begun to get a
little worried, as we had told her how long the chemo was going to take.
I again was on a high, I was giddy with excitement, I had completed my first
chemo and right now the drugs will be starting to attack these unwanted
squatters that are squatting in my boob.
With 2 hours to kill, before my appointment to go and pick
out my wig, we decided to call at Lee's mums for a coffee on the way.
She was surprised to see me being so bubbly. I told Lee and his mum that
the light-headedness had now developed into a strange feeling as though I'd had
a couple of vodkas. Every time I turned my head it took a couple of
seconds for my vision to catch up and focus. The only way that I can
describe this feeling is the feeling that you get when you have had too much to
drink, you’re not at the sick stage but you know that if you have any more to
drink you’ll know that it will all come back up, along with anything that you
had eaten that day. "Oh my God, she's going to be drunk for the next
5 months," Lee laughed and turned to his mum saying ”I don't
get much sense out of her when she's sober, so I'm going to need all the help I
can get if she's going to be drunk all the time". We all started to
laugh.
All in all my first chemo went very well and was not as bad
as I had expected. I know now for definite that I can do this. Yes
it has taken half a day for my treatment, but I don't care. I know that
it is still early days and that I may become sick, I am prepared for that, but
I feel that as long as I keep a strong positive mind then I will, as Lee puts
it; Breeze through it.
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