Results Are In

Back again in the old familiar waiting room of the Breast Clinic and holding on to Lee's hand, I tried to stay calm, my stomach churning and talk about butterflies, I think I had a full conservation in there. In my mind I was telling myself over and over again that it hadn't spread. I wanted to convince myself and I so much wanted it to be true. I was scared of what I might hear today but I didn’t let this fear take over me. I concentrated only on positive things. ‘It’s not spread, it’s not spread, I still kept telling myself, and willing myself for it to be true. It’s weird as even though I have sat in this waiting room several times before, I was now looking at other women and men, and wondering if they too had breast cancer, have they just been diagnosed like I have, are they just having a lump check out or having a routine mammogram. And if they have cancer, how long have they had it. Having a cancer diagnosis opens your eyes so much as not once have I ever been sat here and wondered why everyone else was sat there, never mind if they had breast cancer or not. Eventually after not being kept too long for once which today I am so grateful for 'Breast Nurse' came and called us into the consultation room. A different doctor walked in, he wasn't the same one who had given me the news that I had cancer and I wondered if it was because he didn't want to see us again after Lee frightened him half to death the last time. Today’s doctor I had seen before and no it wasn't 'Dr X', I don't think she dare face me and I wonder if she had been told of how angry I had become towards her on our last visit. It was nice to see a familiar face with this doctor. He has a kind face that always seems to be smiling, and back then I thought that this was just his 'put you at ease' face. But as I got to know him more I realized that he was just a very happy smiley person. When he laughed his whole face disappeared behind a huge, huge grin.

Anyway back to the important bit. My results! And Yeyyy, my Mr Smiley doctor got straight to it, he didn’t beat about the bush like the Doc I saw the last time, which both Lee and I liked and were very pleased about. "Well" he started; "your scan results showed that it hasn't spread to your liver". he smiled at us with his big smile. I smiled and nodded. He looked down to my file again from where my pathology report was. "It hasn't spread to your lungs either" he said looking up at both Lee and I, still smiling his great big smile and showing off his perfectly white teeth. I smiled even more but not once did I let go of Lee's hand. And still smiling Mr Smiley doctor carried on with the next bit on my pathology report. “The tests show that there is no evidence of any lymph node involvement at this point either”. Part of me was waiting for the catch, waiting for the bad bit. What about my bones, my brain or anywhere else that it can spread too. Holding tightly onto Lee's hand which i'm sure was going blue by now, I was still waiting for the catch, the moment when just one little word was gong to make my life turn upside down and make this whole breast cancer ordeal, a total different ball game. My Smiley doctor still kept smiling, he looked up at me and his smile turned even bigger. “and it hasn't spread to your bones" he said. Phew!! I thought. "So is it contained in the breast then?" I asked, he nodded and his whole face disappeared behind his huge grin once again. My smile was so big now and I was feeling so bloody giddy, feeling like I wanted to jump up and down for joy, That was it; That was the news that both Lee and I had been waiting to hear. I let out a huge sigh of relief. Lee did too, and we squeezed each other’s hand as acknowledgment that we both knew that everything was indeed going to be alright.

I said I felt like I was waiting for there to be a catch, and I was right. Mr Smiley doctor then went on to explain that the scan had shown up something on my right ovary, and at this point they could not tell what it was exactly. What does he mean? I just asked if it the cancer was contained in my breast but now he's talking about something on my ovary. Have I got cancer on my ovary too? He explained to us that it could be a normal cyst, or what they call a dermoid.“A dermoid” I asked?“ not knowing what the heck he was talking about. "The images are showing a mass that looks a little bit like it has teeth and bone in it, which leads us to believe that this could be the case” he told us. He explained to us that a dermoid is a bizarre tumour found in the ovary that contain a diversity of tissues, including hair, teeth, bone, thyroid etc and that they are usually benign. (Usually being the hanging on word here). And as if reading my mind my smiley doctor answered my question.“An appointment will be made for you to have an ultra sound at the gynaecology department; so that they can determine what it is” he said, and then added “We don’t think it’s anything to worry about” .Even though he said this, I was still a little concerned. Having cancer in my breast was enough cancer for anyone and now he had planted a seed in my head that I could also have it in my ovary.

It was then explained to me in brief about what treatment I am going to have. Because of my age and because I am fit and well they were going to throw everything they can at me. This is to include; chemotherapy, radiotherapy, mastectomy and anything else they can think of. Since the day that I was diagnosed Lee and I had discussed worse case scenarios and put positives to every negative. When the mastectomy was mentioned I looked at Lee, smiled then said, "When you do the mastectomy, can you take both off?” My doctor looked at me with a puzzled face! “Why?” he asked. The reason I gave is the reason I stuck to this all the way through. I did not want to have the worry of finding another lump that could also be cancerous; I wanted to do everything in my power to get rid of these bloody squatters, and everything I could to prevent anything like this happening to me again. My smiley doctor did his big smile routine at me and told me he understood my logic and so, after a good hour of talking, my file was inserted into an envelope and handed over to me. Lee and I were given instructions and some directions to go over to the Oncology department to meet my oncologist, who would be able to explain in more detail of what my treatment would involve.

We didn't have a clue where we were going, but I do remember that my smile did not leave my face. Anyone would have thought that we’d been told that I didn't have cancer and that they had made a huge mistake. It was such a relief that it hadn't spread and the findings on my ovary didn’t matter anymore either, as I was going to start chemotherapy so even if it was cancer then the chemo would kill that too. From this point on I would know what the next course of action would be. I was about to find out about the chemotherapy, the radiotherapy and still to me the most important bit; I would find out when I could get these squatters cut out of me. Lee and I didn't stop talking all the way to the department; we were giddy with excitement. We were so chatty and giddy that we got side tracked and ended up in the wrong department, of all the places we finished up in the Chemo Day Care unit. Was I that desperate to start the chemo? A nice nurse on the reception kindly pointed us in the right direction.

Having my file in my hand, I wanted to look at it. Well whatever was in the envelope that I held was all about me anyway so what would be the harm. I resisted as the envelope was sealed and couldn’t think how I would explain it being accidentally opened when I got to my Oncologist. I felt good and very positive about what lay ahead of me. I felt strong and I told myself and I told Lee that I was going to hold on to this feeling because I was going to beat this and I was again going to be cancer free.