Coming to Terms

Later that evening Lee and I were laid on the sofa watching the TV. Well Lee was watching and I was trying to watch. My mind was going into overdrive about everything that had happened that day and the day that the awful 'Dr X' had been so rude and awful to me, when all of a sudden it dawned on me that I had Cancer and that ’Cancer Can Kill'. I started to cry once again but this time it hurt. I felt that I couldn't breathe and honestly didn't think that I would stop. Lee held me tight trying to console me, telling me to let it all out, and that we could get through this, telling me to be strong. "I don't want it" I cried "Why me? What have I done so wrong to deserve this? It's the not knowing, why can't they just cut it out and be done with it. 'What if' its spread and why can’t they just cut it out"? I was gabbling again. too much stuff going around inside my head way too quickly. Lee always knows how to put things into perspective. "I know it's hard, but for the time being, let's try not to dwell on things and then before you know it we'll know what's what". He was right, but how do you not dwell on things when you know that you have something growing inside you that is a potential killer. With the waiting for the tests how do we know that in that short space of time that this killer isn’t growing and spreading, spreading out of control. Right now I am not in control; the doctors and nurses have the control now and I have to accept and believe in them that they are doing the right thing for me to be able to be rid of this disease. I have to put faith in them and be positive that everything will be alright. Lee and I cuddled and hugged for what seemed like ages and after I'd stopped crying we both immediately started to laugh. What a sight I looked; my eyes were so red and puffed up it looked like I'd been in a boxing ring with Mike Tyson. I did feel better though.

The week went by in a blur, I remember there being lots of talking and lots and lots of positives coming from Lee and the people around me. I felt positive, I also felt scared and angry. Angry at ‘Dr X’ for treating me like a paranoid old woman. I am 39 yrs old for goodness sake and obviously I wasn’t paranoid as it’s turned out that this lump is cancer. I sometimes feel scared as now and then it pops into my head that cancer is a killer but as soon as I start to think these thoughts I tell myself not to be silly and that I will beat this thing which is where my positive side comes back in. The main thing that I hang on to at this point is that breast cancer is one of the most curable cancers that there is. I am trying to carry on as normal as possible, after all there isn’t much I can do but to wait it out and see what the doctors have in store for me after seeing what my CT scan reveals. I have to be positive and something deep inside is telling me that being positive will not allow this thing to beat me.

First day back at work was hard, I was so nervous, I was dreading it, dreading it mostly because I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. Do I tell work or do I just say nothing? If I tell them will I break down and cry? Will they ask me questions; I am asking myself questions all the time and don’t know the answers too. What treatment will I need? Will they be able to just cut it out and have a bit of radiotherapy like Lauren had or will I have to have chemotherapy too? Oh my god!! Will I lose my hair? There were dozens of questions going around in my head. Why can't I just wave a magic wand to magically give me the answers? Better still! Why can't I wave that magic wand and magic the cancer away. I feel like I'm in a bad bad dream that I can't wake up from.

In the end I made the decision to tell my work colleagues, and to do this myself. I didn't want anyone else doing it for me. I wanted to do this as I felt that by talking about it I was accepting it and I wanted them to see that I was ok to talk about it. Hopefully by doing it this way they wouldn't tip toe around me. The last thing I wanted was to walk into a room and everyone to go quiet very quickly, obviously because they were talking about me. I didn't want to be treated any different. I wanted to carry on with my life. I wanted to be normal and not the ‘She’s the one with Cancer’.

As I walked into the office on that Monday morning Elsa looked up at me from where she was sat at her desk! I walked straight into the kitchen area to make a cup of tea and to pull myself together, ready to start the task ahead. Elsa followed me! "How are you"? She asked. It's laughable isn't it? What do they want to hear when people ask that? "Oh I'm on top of the world, I've just been diagnosed with cancer and it’s not bothering me one little bit? Or for you to go into full detail of how you truly are, about how scared you are, that the not knowing is killing you and that you could burst into tears at any time? Nope! The thing is I don't think half the people who ask that question could cope with a truthful answer! So! You answer in a way that you know that they can cope with. "I'm fine". But with Elsa, I felt like she was asking that question because she was genuinely concerned and wanted to be there for me, so I talked to her, I told her how the weekend had been, I told her how scared I was, about the CT scan that was booked for the 24th and that I just wanted to get this thing cut out and be done with it. Elsa asked me what I wanted to do about telling the others, did I want them to know and if so; did I want her to tell them or did I want to tell them myself. The only person that she had told was the Managing Director who will be known as Terry throughout my story, Elsa told him as she had a duty to do. I thanked her for that. Telling the others wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I told each person one by one as I took their morning cup of tea round. At no point did I cry when doing so and surprised myself at how strong and positive I was. Everyone was so supportive.

Why is it though; when you tell people in general that you have breast cancer that their gaze goes into automatic pilot to your chest? It’s as though they are looking to figure out which one it is as though they think they can actually see it. On one occasion, which I must point out is not a work colleague actually looked at my chest and then asked me "which one?" That is so laughable don't you think? As if it really matters which one. Anyway everyone at work carried on with the day-to-day activities and spoke to me as if nothing had happened, a few asked me questions and I was fine with this. I remember there being only one member of staff who couldn't talk to me and it wasn't that he couldn't talk to me about the cancer but he couldn't talk to me full stop. We were supposed to be going through some work stuff and went into the meeting room to go through the details of the document that we were working on. I remember him looking a bit uneasy and then!! "I'm sorry" he said "I just can't talk to you right now; I don't know what to say, can we do this later?" I nodded and he then left the meeting room. I stood there in utter shock. I had breast cancer for god sake not leprosy. I felt put out, I felt uneasy and hurt and it was at this moment that I realised that things were going to be very different for me. It’s amazing of how people look upon you when they know that you have breast cancer, it’s the word cancer that gets to them and I have noticed that even though I myself can say the word now, other people just can’t bring themselves around to saying ‘Cancer’ if they do their voice lowers to a gentle whisper as they say this one word, it’s as though by saying it they will get it. The day went really slow and I had to work very hard to keep my thoughts of the cancer out of my mind, I did on one occasion have to leave the office for a bit of a cry. A bit! More like the Niagara Falls pouring down my cheeks. Elsa followed me, "Come on" she said, "You're stronger than this". She was so good and so positive and eventually I started to feel much better. Our talking turned to a more light hearted conversation where we both finished up laughing.

The next day after Lee had left for work and I was left on my own for the first time after being told that I had cancer it fully hit me and I found myself fighting back the tears. I know I had a moment on my own yesterday morning while getting ready, but my mind was so set on being in 'full strong mode' as I had a task to get through and that task being telling them at work. But today I didn't have that I was sat there drinking my morning coffee and getting ready for work and the tears came flooding in. After a good hour of trying to put my makeup on and failing miserably; I rang work. I couldn't face going into work today.

The day was spent with lots of tears and I found myself wanting to find out what actually happens to someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to know, I had to prepare myself for what may be ahead for me. I switched on my computer and started researching. What treatment will I need? Will I need Chemotherapy? Will I lose my hair? Will I need a mastectomy, if I do what will I look like? Again my mind was filling up with questions. I came across a website called 'Breast Cancer Care' in which I read through the some of the forums (discussion site) and at the end of it I felt like a huge mountain had been lifted from my shoulders. You see! There were women on there at the same stage as me and there were women on there who were diagnosed years and years ago. The main thing was! They are still here, still alive and living life to the full. Being there for one another and helping each other through this difficult time. That's when I took a hold on things. I decided to take control! So what! I thought! I have breast cancer, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Research and treatments have come a long way and I am NOT going to let this thing beat me. I WILL get rid of it.

Over this first week I received numerous phone calls and cards all wanting to wish me luck. Sending their love and support and telling me that I can beat it. Lee came home one day with an envelope in his hand and inside was a card and a little wooden box. The card read;

To Karen,

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you and know you are going to be strong. I am sending you my guardian angel for the next few weeks, take her with you. She will look after you; she has never let me down and I think you need a bit of luck.

I'm here for a chat, a cry, a moan, a question, anything. Just Call.

Sending you tons of positive vibes.

Lauren

I opened the tiny wooden box and through tearful eyes there inside was the most beautiful little guardian angel I have ever seen. Lain in the box on a silky bed she had been hand carved from a single piece of rose quartz and stood about four and a half centimetres high. It was so touching and even though Lauren had not intended to make me cry her kind gesture had done just that. I put the tiny angel gently back in her box and put it straight into my bag so that she would be with me everywhere and every time I went to the hospital. Some people think it weird and some people think it's nice of the way Lauren and I get on because she is Lee’s ex. I think this has brought us even closer and I class her as one of my dearest friends.

It seems that I was in desperate need for a guardian angel. My mum, my grandmother and Maureen added to the collection. So all in all I have received 4 beautiful guardian angels all of different size, shape and colour to watch and guide me through this journey in life. .

A little poem that I came across I think of it always and find comfort and strength in its words:

When Angels sense you need them,
And Angels always do ...
They come, unseen, from everywhere
To help and comfort you.

hey hover close beside you
Till all your cares are gone,
Till they can see you're ready
Once again to carry on.

Then some of them may fly away
And take their gentle touch,
To other hearts that need
The love of Angels very much.

But one, at least, stays with you
As your constant friend and guide,
For GUARDIAN ANGELS never leave,
They're always at your side.